Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Requiem for a Drink
News broke the other day of a settlement between Miller/Coors and a number of state attorneys general who pressured the beverage giant to cease the production of a certain caffeinated alcohol beverage. Teenagers all over the country were in a state of panic. Some of us well into our twenties took the news the hardest. Evenings fondly remembered, barely remembered, and mostly forgotten came flooding back in a wave of emotion and nausea not felt in some years. This news was cause for one last hurrah with our good friend Sparks.
Sparks, for the uninitiated, is a caffeinated alcohol bevearge. Make that a very strong caffeinated alcohol beverage. It contains: Caffeine, taurine, guarana, ginseng, PCP, and some other top secret ingredients. Once consumed, you understand why the can looks like a giant battery.
We decided the most fitting place to make our purchase would be Williams Liquors. We braved the terrible cold and felt mildly intoxicated before even entering the store. Those lights are hypnotizing!
Sparks, at two bucks a can, is quite a bargain. More caffeine than a latte at Starbucks, and more alcohol than a tall can of Budweiser, means that you actually save money when consuming this beverage. I now see the powerful foes this drink was up against.
Sparks looks like Minute Maid and tastes like sweet tarts. It tastes vile and burns on the way down. It was far worse than I remembered, but the effects reminded me of the lure. In the words of the dearly departed Joey Ramone, my brain was "Hanging upside down." I'm a slight but full grown man and this orange concoction was turning me into a different person.
We raised our cans: "Death to Sparks! Long Live Sparks!" We stumbled out into the night one last time saying goodbye to an old friend, and our once taken for granted youth.
For more essential commentary about the demise of sparks go here. Friend, journalist, and frequent Sparks consumer Casey Jarman eulogizes our friend far better than I ever could.
Get yours while supplies last.